-Stay fabulous!

-Stay fabulous!

When it comes to making the decision about choosing a life partner, no
one wants to make a mistake. Yet, with a divorce rate of close to 50%,
it appears that many are making serious mistakes in their approach to
finding Mr./Miss. Right!

If you ask most couples who are engaged why they’re getting married,
they’ll say: “We’re in love”. I believe this is the 1 mistake people
make when they date. Choosing a life partner should never be based on
love. Though this may sound “not politically correct”, there’s a
profound truth here. Love is not the basis for getting married.
Rather, love is the result of a good marriage. When the other
ingredients are right, then the love will come. Let me say it again:
“You can’t build a lifetime relationship on love alone”. You need a lot
more!!!

Here are five questions you must ask yourself if you’re serious about >
finding and keeping a life partner.

QUESTION 1:
Do we share a common life purpose? Why is this so important? Let me
put it this way: If you’re married for 20 or 30 years, that’s a long
time to live with someone. What do you plan to do with each other all
that time? Travel, eat and jog together? You need to share something
deeper and more meaningful. You need a common life purpose.

Two things can happen in a marriage:
(1) You can grow together, or
(2) You can grow apart.

50% of the people out there are growing apart. To make a marriage work,
you need to know what you want out of life! Bottom line marry someone
who wants the same thing.

QUESTION 2:
Do I feel safe expressing my feelings and thoughts with this person?
This question goes to the core of the quality of your relationship.
Feeling safe means you can communicate openly with this person. The
basis of having good communication is trust – i.e. trust that I won’t
get “punished” or hurt for expressing my honest thoughts and feelings.

A colleague of mine defines an abusive person as someone with whom you
feel afraid to express your thoughts and feelings. Be honest with
yourself on this one. Make sure you feel emotionally safe with the
person you plan to marry.

QUESTION 3:
Is he/she a mensch? A mensch is someone who is a refined and sensitive
person. How can you test? Here are some suggestions:
Do they work on personal growth on a regular basis?
Are they serious about improving themselves?

A teacher of mine defines a good person as “someone who is always
striving to be good and do the right thing”. So ask about your
Significant Other…
What do they do with their time?
Is this person materialistic? Usually a materialistic person is not
someone whose top priority is character refinement.

There are essentially two types of people in the world:
(1) People who are dedicated to personal growth and
(2) People who are dedicated to seeking comfort.

Someone whose goal in life is to be comfortable will put personal
comfort ahead of doing the right thing. You need to know that before
walking down the aisle.

QUESTION 4:
How does he/she treat other people? The one most important thing that
makes any relationship work is the ability to give. By giving, we mean
the ability to give another person pleasure.

Ask: Is this someone who enjoys giving pleasure to others or are they
wrapped up in themselves and self-absorbed? To measure this, think
about the following: How do they treat people whom they do not have to
be nice to, such as waiters, bus boys, taxi drivers, etc. How do they
treat their parents and siblings? Do they have gratitude and
appreciation? If they don’t have gratitude for the people who have
given them everything; can you do nearly as much for them? You can be
sure that someone who treats others poorly, will eventually treat you
poorly as well.

QUESTION 5 :
Is there anything I’m hoping to change about this person after we’re
married? Too many people make the mistake of marrying someone with the
intention of trying to “improve” them after they’re married. As a
colleague of mine puts it: “You can probably expect someone to change
after marriage for the worse” If you cannot fully accept this person the
way they are now, then you are not ready to marry them.

In conclusion, dating doesn’t have to be difficult and treacherous. The
key is to try leading a little more with your head and less with your
heart. It pays to be as objective as possible when you are dating; to
be sure to ask questions that will help you get to the key issues.

Falling in love is a great feeling, but when you wake up with a ring on
your finger, you don’t want to find yourself in trouble because you
didn’t do your homework.

Another perspective….
There are some people in your life that need to be loved from a
distance….It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you let go of or
at least minimize your time with draining, negative, incompatible,
not-going anywhere relationships. Observe the relationships around you.

Pay attention…. Which ones lift and which ones lean? Which ones
encourage and which ones discourage? Which ones are on a path of growth
uphill and which ones are going downhill? When you leave certain people
do you feel better or feel worse? Which ones always have drama or don’t
really understand, know, or appreciate you? The more you seek quality,
respect, growth, peace of mind, love and truth around you…the easier
it will become for you to decide who gets to sit in the front row and
who should be moved to the balcony of your life.

Pay attention…. Which ones lift and which ones lean? Which ones
encourage and which ones discourage? Which ones are on a path of growth
uphill and which ones are going downhill? When you leave certain people
do you feel better or feel worse? Which ones always have drama or don’t
really understand, know, or appreciate you? The more you seek quality,
respect, growth, peace of mind, love and truth around you…the easier
it will become for you to decide who gets to sit in the front row and
who should be moved to the balcony of your life.

An African proverb states, “Before you get married, keep both eyes open,
and after you marry, close one eye”. Before you get involved and make a
commitment to someone, don’t let lust, pity, desperation, immaturity,
ignorance, pressure from others or a low self-esteem make you blind to
warning signs. Keep your eyes open, and don’t fool yourself that you can
change someone or that what you see as faults aren’t really that
important.

Do you bring out the best in each other? Do you compliment and
compromise with each other, or do you compete, compare and control? What
do you bring to the relationship? Do you bring past relationships, past
hurt, past mistrust, past pain? You can’t take someone to the altar to
alter them. You can’t make someone love you or make someone stay. If you
develop self-esteem, spiritual discernment, and “a life”, you won’t find
yourself making someone else responsible for your happiness or
responsible for your pain. Seeking status, sex, and security are the
wrong reasons to be in a relationship.

WHAT KEEPS A RELATIONSHIP STRONG ARE:
1. TRUST
2. COMMUNICATION
3. INTIMACY
4. A SENSE OF HUMOR
5. SHARING TASKS
6. SOME GETAWAY TIME WITHOUT BUSINESS OR CHILDREN
7. DAILY EXCHANGES (meal, shared activity, hug, call, touch, notes,
8. SHARING COMMON GOALS AND INTERESTS
9. GIVING EACH OTHER SPACE TO GROW WITHOUT FEELING INSECURE
10. GIVING EACH OTHER A SENSE OF BELONGING AND ASSURANCES OF COMMITMENT

If these qualities are missing, the relationship will erode as
resentment, withdrawal, abuse, neglect, dishonesty, and pain replace
it.

Happiness keeps You Sweet,
Trials keep You Strong,
Sorrows keep You Human,
Failures keep You Humble,
Success keeps You Glowing,

Matthew 6:27

- Stay fabulous!

Listening to her talk about her book was quite interesting.  She talked about pushing herself to reach her goals.  It didn’t matter if she had to stay up later or work harder on her craft — she did what ever it would take to accomplish her goals. Interestingly enough, she talked about not ‘dumbing-down’ or apologizing for her talents, which she found herself doing constantly. 

This really got me thinking.  What are the necessary sacrifices one must make in order to achieve one’s goals … no matter what?  For instance, I am working on my master’s degree.   I had to give up hanging out with my sista friends on the weekends in order to get my studying done.  Plus, I’m working on that long awaited promotion at the j-o-b!  I am still sacrificing – putting in 12 to 14 hours a day to stay ahead of the game.  It is definitely all about making sacrifices and at the same time making good choices.

Most successful people had to give up something in order for them to be successful. Right?!?!?  The same holds true for all of us.

So my question to you is what are you willing to give up or sacrifice in order to achieve your goals and become successful?

-Stay fabulous!

President Obama marked his first Memorial Day!

On this day, many African American soldiers (past and present) were honored by President Obama.  It’s amazing to me how you can be equal in death but not equal in remembrance. 

In the past, there were many African American soldiers that fought but never received any recognition … not even from past presidents.  There were 900 African American soldiers that fought in Iwo Jima.  Equally, there were many African American soldiers that fought at Normandy.  There is a legacy of thousands of African American veteran’s history in Normandy.  All were without recognition. 

We need change.  President Obama has brought that change into this Memorial Day 2009 — making it a part of the public memory by honoring our African American soldiers.

-Stay fabulous!

I recently took a poll asking women and men the exact same question.  Would you believe nearly 80% said yes.  And, much to my surprise, men feel the same way too.  However, some men called it sex appeal while others labeled it ‘their swagger’.  Interesting!!

Anyway, sex appeal is that aura that emanates from you, turning heads when you walk by. It is a magnetic and confident personality that makes the opposite sex stare, no matter what your body type. Sex appeal is not only a great ego boost for you, but it can also lead to great relationships… be it in the workplace, school, church or any social function.   It’s all about confidence.

If you’re looking for ways to increase your sex appeal try this out:

• Love yourself. This is the single most important step in increasing your sex appeal. You must learn to accept and love your body for what it is. Every woman is beautiful and no matter what your body shape, there is a head you can turn.
• Think positively. The more positive you are, the more it shines through on your face and in your walk. Always start the day positively with a compliment to yourself, a little pampering and a goal to accomplish during the day.
• Be a little mysterious. This is especially important if you are a single woman in the dating world. Have a great first date, but leave something for the second (and, third) date…including sex.

Check this out; there are plenty of examples in the entertainment world.  Just take a look at Beyonce, Stacy Dash, Ciara and don’t forget about Will Smith, Justin Timberlake and Columbus Short just to name a few.  What do they all have in common?  You got it!  It’s the same characteristics listed above.

Now, keep in mind, you must be discreet in certain situations namely the workplace and/or church.  At the same time, be confident in you.  I’m all about improving your life.  Learn to use your unique qualities and traits to your advantage.  The bottom line is love yourself and be confident in yourself.

-Stay fabulous!

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